The crossroads at which we stand

I’m finding it hard to write anything lately. Slimming World updates are OK, because they are about a thing, they’re structured and easy to formulate. My head, not so much.

At the beginning of the year I really thought stuff was changing for the better. I felt positive for the first time in ages. We had decided to throw caution to the wind and go ahead and build our long awaited kitchen extension, which made me happier than I can explain (or understand to be honest) and Oscar’s progress continued to be phenomenal (to us). We’d definitely decided which path we wanted his education to follow and had applied for schools, along with everyone one else. I joined Slimming World and Yoga and started to take some time for me. Ben was doing the same to great effect (taking time for his own mental wellbeing, not joining Slimming World!) Yeah, in one way or another, everything felt like the path ahead was clear.

Then all of a sudden everything isn’t clear any more. The extension is proving a much more difficult and expensive proposition than we envisaged and has made us question whether it’s actually worth doing at all. We’re getting more quotes to be sure, but if it really is going to cost that much then maybe it would be better to move?

And then there’s Oscar (and there’s always Oscar ?). We had a terribly negative meeting with his team two weeks ago and for the first time it’s made me doubt my choices for him and worse than that it’s made me doubt myself. And I’m not just having a wobble that’s going to be solved with a pat on the back, a high five and a ‘you follow your instinct girl’. In fact it’s more than a wobble (why do we play this shit down?) it’s a cannon shot. It’s winded me and knocked me off my feet completely. I no longer feel what I’m doing is the right thing. And that is petrifying. Even when you don’t really know, but you have that gut feeling, it’s ok. But that’s gone. And that scares me more than anything. It also makes me so angry. How dare anyone make me question whether what I’m doing for my son is right! But they have.

So all this has conspired to throw life back up in the air again. We’ve started to look at schools again, something I had assumed we were done with. Having never felt it was so, perhaps specialist schooling would be better for him. I seriously don’t know anymore. All I know is I want him to be happy. And for me never have to sit through a meeting like that again. I think we’re going to look at more schools less to find him a place but more for my own self assurance. I’m happy to come away saying, ‘ok I was wrong, this is better’. But really what I’m looking for is to come away saying ‘do you know what? I was right!’ Because at the moment I can’t feel either.

And then there’s the house. If we can’t get the extension done, our small house remains small and that raises the question should we move? And if so to where? Can we afford to stay round here? Do we want to stay round here? Do we need to stay here?

I feel like as a family we are stood at a giant crossroads. That there are so many paths we could take, in a way I haven’t felt before. It’s frightening yes, but in a weird and probably masochistic way, it’s almost exciting.

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I’ve found myself listening more and more to 90s indie lately. I think partly it’s because it’s familiar, partly because it makes me happy, but partly because it makes me reminds me of a time in my life I felt powerful and sure of myself. Something I need reminding of.

Also some of it is loud and a bit shouty. Just like I’ve always been ?

The 90s Indie chick who knew where she was going.

The 90s Indie chick who knew where she was going.

Comments

  1. Life can sometimes seem to be full of curve balls. I think I rarely think things are going well, even when they are. Possibly why I started blogging about them so I could see they existed. You have so many questions/concerns, which one is the most important, and work from there? The first answer might help determine the rest. Hugs.

    • mrssavageangel says:

      Thank you so much. It’s true. I love that can look back on my writing to see where we’ve come from.

  2. Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time of things. Sounds like the school visits would be a good idea to give you a clear picture and time for reflection. Your gut feeling might still be the winner #SSAA

    • mrssavageangel says:

      Thank you. Yes, I always feel better doing something proactive. I hope so. I’ve always been able to trust it in the past!

  3. Tough decisions. Moving house is always more expensive than you think as you always want to do different things to the new house (I’ve found). That said, I have no regrets about our last move to somewhere bigger.

    • mrssavageangel says:

      I never thought of that Erica, but you’re so right. I seriously don’t know what we’ll do still! Thanks xxxx

  4. I’m so sorry you feel like this, I really think this finding the right school does it too you. I always knew I wanted Ethan in a SEN school but then you doubt yourself or someone thinks they know better. I remember wanting a crystal ball a way of being able to see where both paths would take him. This of course can’t happen but boy would it have helped. I think you just have to close your eyes and jump. Regarding the house, we live in a shoe box, we can’t afford to move, we can’t even really afford all of this house. I have decided as long as their is a roof over our heads and we aren’t struggling to pay the bills that’s all that matters. I’m here if ever you need me, even if I’m not so active on twitter at the moment. Sending hugs.

    Thanks for linking up with Small Steps Amazing Achievements :0)
    x

    • mrssavageangel says:

      Oh sweetheart thank you so much! A crystal ball would be lovely! I think we know what we want now, it just depends if we can get it!! And you’re right about the house. Thank you x

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