Tomorrow

I never had that rush of love in the hospital when Oscar was born. The feeling everyone tells you about. That sudden lightening bolt of realisation that this is what life is all about and has been all along. No, I never got that.

Although it’s not something I’ve discussed before, the truth is, I spent so much of my pregnancy convinced the embryo, then the foetus, then the baby wouldn’t make it into this world, that when he did, all I felt was relief. I spent so long preparing for him not to arrive that when he did it was hard to reconcile that fact.

His earliest days in the hospital were harder than I ever imagined and being immobilised and traumatised by an emergency c-section, meant every ounce of energy I had was spent on just getting through the next minute. I don’t remember ever feeling love in those early days.

The first time I remember feeling anything close to the ‘rush of love’ people talk about was about three weeks later. It was the middle of the night. I guess he’d just been fed. Ben was asleep and I had just laid Oscar down in my crossed legs where he promptly fell fast asleep, something he wasn’t overly keen to do in the Moses Basket that night. It made me chuckle and I looked down to take a photo of the cheeky sleep thief lying there in my legs and boom! I realised I loved him.

baby asleep on a bed

The moment I realised I actually loved my son.

Fast forward (because it really has been fast) to today, four and a half years later. Today I am preparing for tomorrow; his first day at primary school. I have his uniform all ready. Everything is labelled, I just need to wash his coat and pack his bag. Ben has a couple of trouser hems to take up and then we’re ready. Only of course we’re not.

I thought I was. Summer has been hard and to be honest I’ve been ready to let someone else help with the effort of raising an autistic child for a while now. But turns out today I can’t stop crying. Big gulping sobs. All I can think about is my baby. The difficult, confusing, terrifying, baffling baby and wondering where did he go? The pain is visceral and I have wondered today whether this is why people have more than one child? To delay having to feeling this sadness? To know that’s it for them? That parenting a baby, a toddler is over? Maybe not. But right now it seems like as good a reason as any.

I’m writing this on his bed. Looking round his room that still has vestiges of the nursery it once was.  The pirate decal, the baby swimming certificates, the shelf where we kept nappies and wipes and nappy sacks. This room could do with a refresh I know that. Some things have already gone. The cotbed, the rocking chair, the changing mat. But I just can’t bring myself to change everything just yet.

Anyway, tomorrow. Despite being registered for transport, we’ll be taking him ourselves on his first day. I want to be there, to be able to reassure him. Hell, I want to stand by his side all day and make sure everyone understands who he is and what he wants. But I can’t. They will have to learn. Just as I did.

This is not a letter to my son on the eve of his education journey. It’s not an essay to discuss the benefits or downfalls of children starting school at this age. Its not about how I’m not ready to let him start moving away from me, or how frightened I am for him, an autistic child, making his way in a world that wont always understand him. I mean it’s a bit of all of things, but really it’s just a mummy,whose relationship with her son has never been easy, confessing how much she loves him.

And from three weeks old, always has.

Comments

  1. Lisa…….lovely Lisa.
    I’m reading this at a crucial time where I’m preparing for my “baby” to leave me soon.
    My, older, bigger, baby…..who still really is just a baby, that see’s things in a way that Oscar does too.
    It’s a year away (hopefully) but as you know things need to be in place this early and I’m sorry to say, you’ll feel this way all through Oscar’s life, it really really doesn’t go away. That feeling that you can’t protect them from whatever it is that lies ahead. The unknown. The scary, unpredictable world they are going to become part of.
    Your confession of love made me well up.
    You write so well and it must be comforting to share your feelings in the way you do and can. I can honestly, hand on heart tell you, I know how you feel. I’m sorry I can’t be more positive and tell you everything will get better because I can’t tell you those things.
    Know that Oscar is one lucky boy to have you as his mum and I truly believe that when these tiny little beings are born, it’s us they choose to help them through their difficult journey that we call life.
    Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re amazing ❤️❤️

    • mrssavageangel says:

      Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply, but this really touched me. I hope the college visits are going well. I guess we never know how things are going to turn out. I mean we can research and research, but we can really only go with our best gut feeling and have faith in our decisions. You will only ever do whats best for him.
      Don’t be sorry for not sugar coating how hard things can be. I think that’s one of the hardest thing about having a child on the spectrum, is how early on you are made to acknowledge how hard things might be. It takes away your ability to live in ignorant bliss.
      Lets catch up soon
      xxxx

  2. Very emotional! Hope it all goes well #twinklytuesday

  3. Oh Lisa, big big hugs Hun! It is hard for any parent to let go but to let go when your child has additional challenges to face I think is really difficult. I know my overwhelming response is to want to protect. I struggle with my mummy bear instinct a lot! Good luck honey 🌸 #SpectrumSunday

  4. Oh bless you. Such an emotional and honest piece. Its hard but everything will work out sweet and because you love him it will all be ok! Hugs
    Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime

  5. Oh darling , everything you write shows how much you love Oscar. When kids have challenges, so do we but it doesn’t ultimately change how we feel about them I don’t think. Hugs from #SpectrumSunday, hope to see you again this weekend

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