A letter to my toddler son

Apologies for the “mummy” silence over the past week or so. It wasn’t intentional, I’ve just been busy and stressed and, well, none of those things are excuses I know, but something had to take the hit so it was these posts. I don’t know why it was. I love writing them, they’re important to me. Hmmm. Anyway, sorry. And sorry for the random timing of this post. Although the way things are going at the moment it might be that random is the only way I can do these. Ahh well.

 

To the boy,

Sometimes I look at you, often when you’re asleep, or in your Winnie the Pooh inspired evening trance. I look at your soft skin and your, blonder than I could ever hope for, hair. I see your tiny Willson nose and your daddy’s bottom lip, the way you cross your ankles when you sit and the enormous feet on the ends of your lean little legs. I think I love you most in these times. In these times when you are still. Does that make me a bad parent? A bad person? Because there are other times. Other days.

Some days I find you too draining to bare. You scream, you squawk, you cry, you kick me, you hit me, you destroy every thing you can, including my heart and I am left in a state of shock. Battered and bruised both inside and out. If you were my partner, my friends would plead with me to leave you. This abuse would not be tolerated. But you are my son, and this is not abuse. You are 2. A toddler. A tiny person trying to find your way, your place, your pitch. And I do everything I can to help you, but, my darling, I’m new to this too. And some days it feels like, whatever I do, it will never be enough.

I know you are my son. In every cry of frustration, every time you throw something down in anger. Yup there I am. But you are so confident in your own ability, I don’t think you realise you’re only 2. Maybe it’s because no one has told you? Before I had you, I did not want a shy child. But now some days I wish I could eat my words. Just while we go round the Farm or the market. Walk beside me my darling baby son. Don’t run off into the crowd. Don’t make me have to restrain you, while you kick and scream and hate me. I’m doing it to save you, to keep you safe and to prevent a maternal heart attack. Please?

I’ve taken to checking on you while you sleep more than I ever did when you were tiny. I need to know that my darling baby is still in there. Somewhere. Not that it makes the hard times easier to bare.

It just helps me to get up to you the next day.

Mama

x

 

 

Keep in time….

Freelancing from home while I raise Oscar is great but it’s not without is challenges.

Imagine you work in a office, with no one else around you, and you work almost entirely from written instructions. Not ideal but all going well so far.

Now image that you’re in that office, working alone, when in comes a marching band. And the band is noisy and its distracting, but hey, you can just block it out and get on with your work. Except the marching band also wants you to be its conductor. You know – the guy at the front who leads the way. So you have to do your work, whilst trying to block out the sound and the distraction of the band, all while conducting the band.

But eventually the band decides to leave for a bit. Yay! But oh no. You don’t just get to stop being the marching band’s conductor once they go out of the office. You still have to think about conducting the band, even when it’s not there. Them’s the rules!

But OK it’s quieter and you can think about the band, whilst working. As long as the written instructions come on time. Because if they don’t, you’re going to have to work, ignore, conduct as before.

But you do it.

Because you’re a stay at home/work at home mother.

Or a Marching Band Conductor – whichever you prefer.

Just wanted to share

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Hello there

I say hello, as I know there are people reading this now!! EEK! Sharing my small but very personal corner of the bloggersphere with the wide world was more nerve wracking than I can explain, so I’d like to say thank you for the beautiful comments I’ve received.

Sharing in this way, opening yourself up and saying “here I am” is petrifying for me. An extrovert by nature this shouldn’t be the case, should it? But we all have a little guy who sits on a chair in our heads, wearing old janitor clothes, saying, “now then, don’t say that/do that/think that/be that”, don’t they? Or is that just me! We self censor ourselves, most of the time for the good of humanity, but sometimes it to the detriment of our very being. Sharing can make you vulnerable and open to judgement, but it can also open you up to new experiences and greater understanding.

So the comments I got were a gift to my confidence, but also a gift to those who read my words and got some understanding from me. Or a laugh. Everyone needs a good chuckle now and then.

OK, so that was deep!

In terms of my SW (Slimming world) journey I havent had the best of weeks and although I had a great weekend, with old (as in known a long time, not as in age. Oh hang on….;) friends visiting. I also found myself with my first real test since starting. I had planned ahead, and knew exactly what I was planning to eat, but forgot to factor in desserts. Ended up falling back on old favourites, which I think will have derailed me a little this week. However it was useful as it highlighted where my weak spots are and helped me move forward with that knowledge in mind.

Weigh in tonight, I guess we’ll just have to see.