How’s your week been? Or should I say weeks? Yeah sorry about that. Symptomatic of the wider issue I feel. That’ll make sense in a minute.
Anyway, last night’s weigh in was a gain, same as the week before. Well, you know, that’s what you get from eating home made biscuits and cheesecake and banana bread and ice cream and crumble (Crimble Crumble for your FND fans!) and drinking wine and beer. It’s not rocket science guys. I didn’t gorge. I just ate. Ate things I wanted to and had missed. Ate and drank socially and in good company. Ate because my will not too has left the building.
Because you see I just don’t care as much as I used to. But then I’m dealing with stuff every day I didn’t used to. My meals are all healthy and planned and delicious, but what comes in between is not. The first few days of every week (after weigh in) are positive and thoughtful, but then something happens or something slips and the rest of the week falls into the abyss too. I’ve heard about people talk about this feeling but until fairly recently this wasn’t me. I could live my life the way I wanted and still lose weight. But something’s changed. People tell me all the time how well I’ve done and I don’t know if that’s wonderful or awful. On one had it’s lovely reminder to give myself a little pat on the back, but on the other hand it makes me feel dreadful because I know I haven’t come as far as I set out to. I want to feel that high of getting off the scales with a well earned loss, I do. I just don’t want it enough at the moment.
And there in lies the problem.
I still weigh more than most people who join ever will. But I can wear clothes I never dreamed of and look better than I ever thought I would. I’m not saying I’m giving up and going back to how life used to be (seriously I’m not OK!) I’m just kind of happy bimbling along here for a bit. And that’s why last night, after a fantastic discussion with my consultant and my group, I’ve decided to reset my target to 6 stone loss and maintain for a bit. Slimming World allow you to reset your target to anything you feel comfortable with at any time in your journey and I just think I’m not nearly focussed enough to push myself forward at the moment. But staying here? That I can do.
I don’t want you to think me a failure. I honestly never considered this an option before (trying to maintain), but once we talked about it, it just felt right. For me. For now. I’ve come to dread every weigh in, mostly because I know I have to write about it. I know it’s only pressure I’m heaping on myself, no one else is making me feel this way, but removing that pressure from a life that has plenty of other stuff going on (new, uncharted, scary, sad stuff) seems not a bad thing to do right now.
As my plan is to stay at target for a while, these posts could get awful boring. So I’ve decided to give the updates a rest. I still write plenty of other stuff you can read, should you feel inclined, but unless I have something positive and interesting to say I wont be writing the weekly updates for a while. I hope you can understand.
So long and thanks for all the fish