• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

mrssavageangel

First time mother just trying to figure out where to go from here.

Autism

To be honest….

16/03/2015 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

I saw this tweet the other day:

IMG_0024.PNG

It caught my eye, not because I am struggling to write anything at all( you read my last post right?) but I am struggling to write. When I started this whole adventure, do you remember how raw my writing was? It came straight from the heart and usually with little or no thought. I just sat down with the computer, switched my brain off and just let my soul say what it wanted to. It was amazingly cathartic for me and people really enjoyed reading it. I know they did, cos they told me they did.

When I tweeted Kate back to say thanks for the article she did something I wasn’t expecting. She read my mind:

@KateLPortman: @mrssavageangel hmmm. Why are you finding it hard? Are you struggling to find the words? Or are you fearful? Think they’re rubbish etc?

It stopped me in my tracks.

Because it’s a bit of all these things. I think I have the words. They run round my head constantly and sound great (even if I do say so myself 😉 ), then I sit down to write and *poof* they’re gone. Maybe I am afraid? Of not being good enough to compare. But why am I comparing myself suddenly? I never used to. Maybe it’s of myself, of my thoughts, of what’s been going on in my head. And maybe I’m afraid if I empty my head, I won’t know what to do with the aftermath.

I tried to write it down in January, but it didn’t sound right and anyway, I still wasn’t ready to share it, so it sat there, in my draft folder, gathering digital cobwebs. But now?

I don’t know how to put it, so I’m just going to say it. From the beginning.

If you read me regularly you’ll know, Oscar has a speech and communication delay and this was initially discussed with the Health Visitor back in April 2014. She visited a couple of times and just something about his ways made her suggest we visit a paediatrician, just to eliminate anything more serious than just a work a day speech delay (which I hear are tres common and nothing to worry about). An appointment was made in September and the concern in the doctor’s face and words was obvious. She asked if we had heard of Autism Spectrum Disorder, ordered further tests and leant towards us, explaining we were “probably in that ball park”. For a week after that appointment I couldn’t look at Oscar. Suddenly I couldn’t be with him, didn’t know what to say to him, what to feel. I was scared of my own toddler son.

Because you see she used the word probable and not possible.

I cried. Long and hard. It was so awful and no one could help, no one could say or do anything to help. I was directed to the National Autistic Society website, which was the worst thing I could possibly have done. All I could focus on were the awfully negative stats such as 70% adults with Autism Spectrum Disorders are unemployed and how people with ASD don’t feel things the way other people do. Brilliant. So my boy would never be financially solvent and he didn’t love me. Worst. Week. Ever.

To start with I chose not to tell anyone anything. But carrying something so weighty without talking about it nearly crushed me and after a while it became clear keeping this secret was breaking my heart more than the secret itself. So I told a friend. The relief was palpable and the more people who knew, the less scared I felt. Which makes sense if you consider the power of a secret lies in its keeping. But I still couldn’t share it with my blog. I wanted to, but not all the family knew and I hated the thought of them finding out in such a public way. So what I did write skirted the issue, alluded to his differences, and generally read like someone else’s life.

So over the months we saw various specialists and watched as he started and developed at preschool. We went from being sure, to not so sure, to sure, to totally confused. He ticked some boxes, but not others. I tried not to read too much around the subject and focussed on Oscar.

Then we had his multidisciplinary assessment last week. It was a big meeting, with seven of us in a hot room. No one said anything I didn’t already know or agree with, which was relief. And then it was agreed that while Oscar sits on the borderline for a lot of the markers for ASD (mainly due to his age), the overall feeling was that a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder would be appropriate.

My world didn’t crumble the way it did the first time round. I think I knew it was coming and actually having this validation will open up doors to support he clearly needs. He’s progressing so well at his preschool with the bit he’s had so far, just think what he could do with more?

And now I’m exhausted. I will write more, but for now that’s me. I’ve just eaten a pastry and bitten my thumb until it bled. I feel like sobbing, but I’ll save that for later as I’m in a coffee shop and it could get messy!

What it will mean I have no idea, so don’t ask. I’m trying to not think beyond the here and now. It’s getting me through the day at the moment. But it does mean he’s who his is. Same as you. Same as your child. He’s unique like we all are. He just has a different way of seeing and finding and making sense of the world.

So thanks Kate. You were right.

@KateLPortman: @mrssavageangel I sometimes find the posts I’m more fearful of writing are the VERY ones I need to write. x

 

 

Filed Under: Autism, Children Tagged With: asd, Autism, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, childhood, children, Development, diagnosis, different, Family, health, heartbreak, Motherhood, mummy, Pre-school, secrets, son, speech delay, Thanks, Toddler

  • « Go to Previous Page
  • Go to page 1
  • Interim pages omitted …
  • Go to page 12
  • Go to page 13
  • Go to page 14

Primary Sidebar

Follow Me

  • Facebook

Recent Posts

  • North Hayne Farm Cottages – our experiences as an SEND Family
  • One gift – an update…..
  • One gift….
  • Key Stage 2 and the Autism Mama
  • Amsterdam, the perfect city break with children

Instagram

Totally petitioning to move Bonfire night to June. Totally petitioning to move Bonfire night to June. It’s not so dark you lose your family, it’s way warmer and the sky just looks more dramatic. Much more fun all round.
Jubilee Beacon Fireworks. Jubilee Beacon Fireworks.
What an amazing day! The little sister who came in What an amazing day! The little sister who came into our lives when she was a sweet little ten year old, is now a beautiful, strong wife and mother. We couldn’t have been any prouder to share her day with her. Oh yeah and James was there too 😜 Only kidding we love you guys so much! #family #wedding
All the chocolate, all the good food. Happy Easter All the chocolate, all the good food. Happy Easter, Passover or Ramadan. Hope you’re spending today with your people. 💐🐰🌱 #spring #celebrate
New favourite cousin photo! #thuglife #jessandosca New favourite cousin photo! #thuglife #jessandoscar
Oscar’s party was a roaring success. The cousins Oscar’s party was a roaring success. The cousins all came and played together like they were best of friends, the Minecraft themed food was devoured, the castle was bounced to within an inch of its life, the grown ups chatted and most of all the boy had the best day! And now I’m so exhausted I’m off to bed. Thank you to the family (and chosen family) who helped make it such a special day for our special little guy. #whenoscarturnedten #happybirthday #familypartiesarethebest
Ten years old. Where has that decade gone? He’s Ten years old. Where has that decade gone? He’s ten years old. I’m ten years older. Sometimes it feels like we’re growing up together! Happy birthday beautiful boy. And Happy Birthing Day to me. 🥰
It’s that time of year again when I lay all his It’s that time of year again when I lay all his presents out and say I’m ready for him to be another year older and then quip that I am NEVER ready for him to be another year older. But 10 man? I don’t know, it feels so… significant. Double digits, a decade, it somehow feels different from all the other birthdays. I can’t quite believe it tbh. Anyway as he’s having his birthday here (tomorrow) but his party in Plymouth next Saturday it has been decreed it’s his birthday all week. And what with the grand age he’s turning, I think that sounds perfectly appropriate.
Breakfast in bed (toast and a makeshift cloche - w Breakfast in bed (toast and a makeshift cloche - we fancy!) and three cards and a sunflower he planted from seed at school 😱! Now off out for lunch. Very much a Happy Mothers Day to me! And to all the mamas I know. May you be treated like Kweens today!
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Archives

Categories

Copyright © 2023 · Lifestyle Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in