Benefit

Sorry it’s been quiet of late. Truth is life’s fair taking it out of me. The harder things get the harder it is to see the light, the positive, the things that keep you going. The temptation is there to focus on the difficult things, the stuff that makes you sad or, in my case, to feel yourself coming to something of a grinding standstill. Not happy, not sad, just suspended.

We do our stuff every day. Sometimes that means a heart wrenching nursery drop off, sometimes a fraught trip into town, other times it’ll mean staying home because today it’s just easier that way. I don’t know if it’s his unpredictability that ruins me the most. The energy he takes from me he can have. He always has.

So I sit down and think, I know, I’ll blog about this, get it out there, read it through. So I write some stuff and then I stop. Partly cos I’m not sure how to say it, partly because I don’t know what to say and partly because I don’t want people to read it. It sounds so utterly boring that I cant imagine anyone would want to read it. Or it sounds so very self indulgent, so ‘woe is me’ that I can’t stand myself. So I leave the few lines I’ve written in drafts, then worry because I haven’t written anything for a while.

I wonder if it’s his DLA form that’s causing such a blockage? It sits there on my desktop, half done. Every time I do a bit more I feel like I’m betraying him, talking only about the bad stuff. There’s no question that says “And what did the child do today that made you insanely happy?” or “How often does he ask you to jump on the trampoline with him?” It drains your soul. Is that what I have to give, in return for an allowance that enables him to live a life parallel to his peers?

Maybe once it’s finished and sent off I can stop feeling like I’ve forgotten to do something. Like I feel like I can’t move forward, stuck in this treacle of bureaucracy. But that’s asking a lot of one little form (it’s not little, it’s bloody huge!) Maybe it’s not that.

Maybe I’ll feel the weight lift when I work out how to get his hair cut. So he can watch TV without having to tilt his head back, his fringe is so thick.

Maybe it’ll be when I start losing weight again and stop feeling awful every time I look in the mirror.

Maybe it’ll be when I start getting some proper time to myself (two hours twice a week really isn’t cutting the mustard) and maybe it’ll be when his nursery sorts out his plan for next year.

Maybe it’ll be when he starts his speech therapy and maybe it’ll be when he calls me mama.

Something’s pulling me down.

I’ve got a feeling it’s called life.

I’ve been wearing liquid eyeliner since I was 17 years old. You don’t need to know that was 20 years ago, but I’ll tell you anyway (while sobbing into my make up bag!). Anyway recently, I’ve started to notice that my skin isn’t necessarily as, errr, taught as it once was, particularly on my eyes; meaning my Rimmel liquid eyeliner is getting harder to apply and more importantly to look good. Gone are the days of just ‘drawing the line’ and being done with it!

Now I don’t wear make up day to day. Partly because I’m lazy and partly because I just don’t see the point. It’s all I can do to remember to slap a bit of moisturiser on in the morning. But I think it’s also something to do with ingrained make up habits I’ve had for a long time, i.e. when I do it, I do it full on. Primer, foundation, concealer, blusher, three shades of eyeshadow, liner, mascara, khol, lipstain/stick/gloss. I just don’t see the point of just mascara, or just gloss. Go large or go home, that’s my make up motto and the same goes for my eyeliner preference. I love a good dramatic wing.

So back to not being so good at them. While meandering through Boots last week on a rare day by myself, I decided to ask the Benefit ladies about their gel liner pen (the They’re Real Liner – nope not a fan of the name sorry). I figured perhaps gel would be easier to apply to my wrinkled old eyelids. As the 17 year old assistant who served me agreed! A sigh and a sob! No, she was a dear really and was able to do a lovely, if small for my taste, wing on one eyelid for me. But could I get the other eye to match? Could I figroll!! What a mess. But it did seem to be going on well, so I spunked out the cash for the new pen and off I trotted with my first piece of Benefit make up. Happy me.

Trouble was, I just couldn’t do it again when I got it home. Oh blimey, what a palaver. I watched Benefit’s own tutorial videos and everything and I still ended up wonky. Too thick this side, too thin that. I think the pen is going to take practice too, it’s a very different style to the fine liquid liner I’m used to. However, give it it’s due, it has the staying power (although not, I hasten to add, the consistency) of dried on Ready Brek. Nothing (except my lovely Liz Earle) can get the bugger off!

Anyway, somewhat in despair I started searching Pinterest for some kind of tutorial. All the ones I’d seen on YouTube, were good and all, but were make up ‘experts’ showing you how to do it on other people. I needed to know how to do it on myself. Then I stumbled on a doozy of a blog post by Batalash Beauty. It’s a great post, however the two most important things I took from it were:

Look down when applying your liner, not forward
Hold the liner almost parallel to your eye, rather than at a right angle to it

I tried this and immediately the wrinkle issue suddenly wasn’t one and by holding the liner differently I could draw the line with even a khol pencil! It was a revelation. Straight away I could do an even, decent, dramatic wing.

Now I just need to practice using my new pen. The 17 year old me would be so proud.