I’ve got a lot of things to say today, I just don’t know where to start. I guess I should start with a warning. I know (because people tell me – a lot) these posts about SW are almost exclusively positive, upbeat and full of joy. Today’s? Well it might not be quite so perky. Just saying.
So, I had a (what felt like, but I know it’s not really) massive gain of 1.5lb last night. I knew I’d had a bit of a sesh on Saturday and I wasn’t hopeful of any sort of loss, but seriously? 1.5lb gain? It really shocked me. So total lost now is 4 Stone 10.5lb. Taking me just that bit further away from my 5 Stone target.
And I’m a little downhearted if truth be told. And not just because I had a stupid little gain.
You see there’s this. You. My blog. So many people have told me how much my journey has inspired their own, or inspired them in another way. It’s incredibly humbling and I feel very honoured, but what if I’m not actually up to the task of being “an inspiration”? I’ve said all along I don’t want anyone to think my life, or weight loss journey, is easy or perfect cos its not. It’s really not. I struggle every day. Every. Day. With food choices, with ingrained behaviours, with self doubt, with knowing I’ve still got so very far to go. With finding that little something thats going to keep my head in the right space, keep me going forward. It’s fucking hard work. Sorry but it is.
And I’m scared. I’ve spoken before about weighing less now than I ever have in my adult life. And that is a fab achievement and feeling and all that, I absolutely agree. But you have to understand this is unchartered territory for me. I’ve never been here before (well I must have come through here at some point to get to where I was, but I swear I couldn’t tell you when) and I’m worried that actually I don’t know how to be here. To weigh so much less than I did. I actually had a visualisation of me running away from my old weight the other day. Like it’s an entity and I am actually being chased by it. It’s clear that something has not been put to rest. Does anyone know how I’m supposed to kill this thing dead? If it’s always chasing me will it ever matter how much I lose? Like I said, hard work.
So yeah, this is all going on in my head. The same head that’s also focusing on raising a son (he’s nearly two and still not talking – what am I doing wrong/what could I be doing to help) and trying to earn some money and writing and dealing with a possible stomach ulcer. It’s called life. Unfortunately you can’t just check out of “life”when you’ve got an issue to deal with. Be nice if you could 😉 . It all has to come along for the ride. Hence the cheeky sesh round at the neighbours on Saturday, hence a little gain.
I’m sorry for the downer today – although I did try and warn you. If you do come here looking for a positive read, then maybe this might help. After all I’ve just said, I did actually win an award last night. I won The Greatest Loser 2014 for my group. Slimming World run their year March to March and as such each group gives the member that has lost the most weight in that time a Greatest Loser award. When Zoe told me I’d won a few days ago I was stumped – I had no idea this was even a thing. But yep it really is and 4 stone 12lb (going on last weeks weight) is the most any member of my group had lost since last March. I got a certificate, a sticker for my book and a sash. Check me out:
It was a great recognition of all that very hard work I’ve just described and for that I am grateful. One swallow doesn’t make a summer or in this case one small gain doesn’t make a failure.
As a friend once told me; Lisa, it’ll be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, then honey, it’s not the end.
And this is not the end!