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mrssavageangel

First time mother just trying to figure out where to go from here.

Education

Key Stage 2 and the Autism Mama

04/07/2019 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

How? How can it be nearly the end of the summer term already. We’ve had sports day (he took part, he did bloody brilliantly), we’ve had the school summer trip to the beach (say whaaaat? I grew up the Midlands. It was all mining museums and Shakespeare when I was a kid!) The shorts have been bought out from the back of the cupboard and I’ve started the mammoth thank you gift spree I and every other SEN parent does at the end of the year (it’s not a village raising my guy – it’s a flipping county!).

Only, this year, the gifts I buy and who I buy them for is taking on a particular significance. Because not only is Oscar moving into Key Stage 2 next year (or ‘The Juniors’ if you’re old like me!). He’s going to another school entirely. And writing that sentence has made me cry. And now I know why it’s taken me so long to write about this.

So OK, bit of back story. Oscar was diagnosed with Autism (Spectrum Disorder – neither word I am down with btw, but maybe that’s a post for another day) just before his third birthday. When it came to choosing a school for him in Year R we went through the whole specialist school process, only to be sure that our first choice of mainstream school was the right one for him. And so that’s where he went. 

And at no point in the last three years have I ever ONCE questioned that choice. His school have been nothing but supportive and inclusive and Oscar has thrived there. His increase in understanding, communication and academic ability is everything we hoped for and more. 

That being the case, the decision to move him, from a primary school we love, may seem a confusing one and you’d be right. It’s taken huge amounts of soul searching and studying my own motivation, to come to this difficult decision. Yeah it’s been a tough year.

It started with a suggestion from the school that, without a crystal ball, no one was sure how Oscar would cope with the gear change from Key Stage 1 to 2. The way the children are taught and the national expectations put on them changes dramatically between Years 2 and 3 and no one wanted to ‘set him up to fail’.

Of course this made me stop and think, but honestly my first reaction was ‘well no one knew how he’d do in Year R and he’s coping well’. Then I heard myself say it in meetings and I started to think, ‘do I want him just to cope?’.

So I cried down the phone at the SENCO and arranged meetings with possible schools and travelled all over Surrey to visit potential providers and completed application forms and held my breath. 

Obviously there was a delay of quite some months between applying and finding out the result and in that time I’d almost talked myself out of the whole idea. I’d gone back to the argument that he was doing well academically where he was, he was settled, he knew the place, why rock the boat?

When we found out he’d been accepted to what was our first choice of school, we were pleased, but I was pretty ready to hand it back. Thanks, but no thanks. Then I thought I should just run the idea past Oscar. He’s not a baby anymore and he is getting really good at expressing himself and how he feels. So one night, at bedtime, when we were cuddled up and calm, I just threw it out there. How would he feel if he ever had to leave his school and go to another one?

He immediately sat up and said he wanted to. In no uncertain terms. He told me he wasn’t happy where he was, he felt he didn’t have any friends, he found the work too hard and he was often confused!

His reply floored me. He’d never mentioned any of these things. I knew he didn’t play with his classmates at lunch time as he attended ‘lunch club’ which provided more focused activities for children who struggled with the free flow of the playground. But I didn’t realise this had left him feeling isolated and unable to make friends. I also knew in Year 1 he’d spent a lot of lesson time in the room adjacent to his classroom, as they’d found he simply couldn’t concentrate with so many people round him. But I also knew this hadn’t been an issue this year and he spent all his lesson time in with his class.

He’d progressed so much from last year I thought he was doing really well. But just because he was learning to cope in these environments didn’t mean he was happy. And that was such a kick in the stomach. I felt so guilty. And I started to question my motives for keeping him there. If it wasn’t because he was happy and settled, why was it?

Turning the mirror on your own motivations, especially when it comes to your children, isn’t  pretty. I realised one of the things I loved most about him going to a local mainstream school, was that whenever anyone asked where he went, I could tell them and that would be the end of the conversation. People just accepted it without me ever having to mention his diagnosis. Without even having to think about Autism. For a split second I was just a mum. Just like them. 

I was horrified when I realised that that was actually the case. I was so angry with myself. How could I be so selfish? But I quickly realised I wasn’t really angry. Just incredibly sad. Sad for myself. Sad for the little girl who just desperately wants to fit in. Because that’s all that was really about. I’m just glad I was able to look at the situation with understanding eyes (two years of therapy paying for itself right there!).

So it was looking more and more like moving him was the right thing to do. But I wanted him to be sure. I wanted him to understand that he would be moving to another school. That there would still be work to do. I arranged for the whole family to go see the school. We visited on a Monday morning when all the children were in lessons. And it was the cutest, funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

Oscar asked the head if he could talk to the children. He then strode up to the front of the class, introduced himself as Oscar Fredrick Savage and asked if anyone had any questions for him. I nearly died keeping my giggles in! One of the students asked if Oscar was any good at Maths. To which O honestly answered  “I’m good at easy Maths but not hard maths. Any more questions?” It still makes me guffaw when I think about it!

And that was that. At the end of the day, regardless of the reasons I’d had for keeping him in the same place or the reasons I’d had for moving him, we just ended up following his lead. It’s always been the same way. I’m not sure why I’m surprised it was the same this time.

His new school is still a mainstream school, with a centre for children with a communication or interaction need, where he’ll be based. Hopefully this set up means he’ll get the best of both worlds. It’s further away than I would ideally like, but he will still be getting transport there and back, like he always has. He’s done two induction mornings this week and as far as I can tell he likes it there. He’s told us he wants to start right away. As he doesn’t start until September. I think it’s going to be a long summer!

His current school is still wonderful. You’d be lucky to have your child go there (if it worked for them of course). I’ll miss it so much. The people, the buildings, the playground, the understanding.

Oscar says he’ll miss his den in the trees and Maggie the school dog. 

Part of me is still sad. Part of me still feels a little like I’ve failed somehow (ridiculous I know, but you can’t help how you feel). Part of me feels like I need to explain to everyone that it’s not the school’s fault, that his current school is still awesome for children with additional needs. That he can cope where he is. But that I just want more than that for my boy. 

And another part of me knows I don’t have to explain anything. To anyone. So the next time someone asks me which school he goes to, I’ll just tell them.

And leave it at that.

With his Sports Day medals. Baby you’ll always be a winner to me.

Filed Under: Autism, Children, Education, Family Tagged With: Autism, Education, Family

Why I’m helping the PTA

24/11/2016 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

raffle-tickets

People chuckle and tell me I am good for getting involved. They may surreptitiously raise an eyebrow at my keenness to join the PTA and help with this event or that event. I mean my son’s only been at the school five minutes and here I am helping with the raffle, helping with the bonfire, helping with the committee, attending every PTA meeting so far this term.

But honestly, and though I tell people it is, none of this is for me. All of this raises money for the school. And the truth is I, we, owe the school so much. Oscar’s Autism meant deciding where to send him to school, was one of the most stressful decisions I’ve ever had to make. But so far, I’ve yet to be proved that the mainstream school we chose was the wrong decision.

The school are due so much more than I can ever give them. In just this term alone, Oscar’s speech and behaviour and understanding and capacity has out and out exploded. And that’s not something I’ve done. Not something I could have ever done on my own. It’s a mixture of everything they’ve done for him and with him. Their patience, their insistence that he be included.

Yes I get involved. Yes I do my bit. Yes I raise funds. Yes I give back.

But no matter how much I do, or raise, or give to the school, it could never be as much. Not nearly as much…

As they have done for us.

 

Filed Under: Autism, Children, Family Tagged With: asd, Autism, committee, Education, fundraising, grateful, help, involved, Mainstream education, PTA, School, Thanks

School Update

20/05/2016 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

So yeah I guess I should update about Oscar’s school situation! It’s been a while. But for the longest time it was so up in the air. To be honest it’s not exactly ‘firmly on the ground’ now, but it’s got one foot on the floor and that’s good enough for me at the moment!

So if you remember it was agreed a while ago that Oscar should have an EHCP (an Educational Health Care Plan, the document that replaced the old Statement of Education) due to his diagnosis of Autism. We were thrilled by this decision, as this (legally binding) document sets out the support that he will need, to get the best from his education. Super! It also gives us as parents some heft when it comes to deciding which school he should go to. Fabulous, but this is a huge responsibility. And stressful. I mean what if we get it wrong?

Anyway, that aside, to enable us to try and make the right decision we looked at some specialist schools and some mainstream schools. We knew the ones we liked, the ones we loved and the ones we couldn’t stand. And we passed that info onto the local authority. Some of which was ignored. I think that was the hardest thing. Having to rely on people who weren’t doing what we expected them to do. Several times I was given details of organisations to go to for ‘advice’, when all I really needed was for someone to just do their job properly.

Eventually we were offered the specialist school we (for a myriad of reasons) couldn’t stand. And despite some efforts on their part, the LA just couldn’t get him a place at the specialist school we really liked. And do you know what? That actually helped clarify our minds, more than they had been for a while. Our Plan A had always been to send him to our first choice of mainstream school, one just out of our catchment, but one we felt could give him everything we wanted. And when we got offered a place there, I cried. Being able to put the specialist school question to bed (for now, everything is always ‘for now’ with children!) actually felt so good. I took that as a sign that, for now, this is the right thing to do.

So now we know where he’s going! Woohoo! We have discussed his EHCP with the school and they are totally on board with it all. There is one issue we are jointly going back to the LA to try and amend, and as this involves money it won’t be the easiest argument (because it will be an argument), but I feel like someone’s got my back now, like I’m no longer shouting into the ether. And that’s fantastic.

And when people ask where he’s going I can finally reply, straight up and positively. And that feels the best. I think because we’ve had to faff around for so long over getting his place confirmed that actually I don’t feel as upset about him starting big school as maybe I would have done had it been straightforward.

Now, if I could just get over how sad the thought of buying him black shoes makes me 😭

image

 

Filed Under: Autism, Children, Family Tagged With: Autism, Decision, Education, EHCP, Local authority, School, SEN, SEN Parent, September, Shoes, Special Educational Needs, Specialist, Starting school, stress

The crossroads at which we stand

01/03/2016 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

I’m finding it hard to write anything lately. Slimming World updates are OK, because they are about a thing, they’re structured and easy to formulate. My head, not so much.

At the beginning of the year I really thought stuff was changing for the better. I felt positive for the first time in ages. We had decided to throw caution to the wind and go ahead and build our long awaited kitchen extension, which made me happier than I can explain (or understand to be honest) and Oscar’s progress continued to be phenomenal (to us). We’d definitely decided which path we wanted his education to follow and had applied for schools, along with everyone one else. I joined Slimming World and Yoga and started to take some time for me. Ben was doing the same to great effect (taking time for his own mental wellbeing, not joining Slimming World!) Yeah, in one way or another, everything felt like the path ahead was clear.

Then all of a sudden everything isn’t clear any more. The extension is proving a much more difficult and expensive proposition than we envisaged and has made us question whether it’s actually worth doing at all. We’re getting more quotes to be sure, but if it really is going to cost that much then maybe it would be better to move?

And then there’s Oscar (and there’s always Oscar ?). We had a terribly negative meeting with his team two weeks ago and for the first time it’s made me doubt my choices for him and worse than that it’s made me doubt myself. And I’m not just having a wobble that’s going to be solved with a pat on the back, a high five and a ‘you follow your instinct girl’. In fact it’s more than a wobble (why do we play this shit down?) it’s a cannon shot. It’s winded me and knocked me off my feet completely. I no longer feel what I’m doing is the right thing. And that is petrifying. Even when you don’t really know, but you have that gut feeling, it’s ok. But that’s gone. And that scares me more than anything. It also makes me so angry. How dare anyone make me question whether what I’m doing for my son is right! But they have.

So all this has conspired to throw life back up in the air again. We’ve started to look at schools again, something I had assumed we were done with. Having never felt it was so, perhaps specialist schooling would be better for him. I seriously don’t know anymore. All I know is I want him to be happy. And for me never have to sit through a meeting like that again. I think we’re going to look at more schools less to find him a place but more for my own self assurance. I’m happy to come away saying, ‘ok I was wrong, this is better’. But really what I’m looking for is to come away saying ‘do you know what? I was right!’ Because at the moment I can’t feel either.

And then there’s the house. If we can’t get the extension done, our small house remains small and that raises the question should we move? And if so to where? Can we afford to stay round here? Do we want to stay round here? Do we need to stay here?

I feel like as a family we are stood at a giant crossroads. That there are so many paths we could take, in a way I haven’t felt before. It’s frightening yes, but in a weird and probably masochistic way, it’s almost exciting.

************************

I’ve found myself listening more and more to 90s indie lately. I think partly it’s because it’s familiar, partly because it makes me happy, but partly because it makes me reminds me of a time in my life I felt powerful and sure of myself. Something I need reminding of.

Also some of it is loud and a bit shouty. Just like I’ve always been ?

The 90s Indie chick who knew where she was going.
The 90s Indie chick who knew where she was going.

Filed Under: Autism, Children, Family, Personal Tagged With: asc, asd, Autism, Baby, childhood, children, Development, Education, extension, happy, health, home improvement, mummy, Pre-school, School, Specialist, speech delay, Surrey, Toddler

The choice is mine, apparently…

16/07/2015 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

Blackboardwithchalktray

I went to look at a primary school yesterday. The first one I’ve been in, since I was a pupil of one! Oscar’s needs, moving forward are obviously going to be a bit different from your standard pupil (not that I actually believe there is such thing!). But either way, I need to look at school options and I need to start doing it now (or depending on who you speak to I should have been doing it ‘ages‘ ago). Anyway, in order to abate some of the panic that was rising, I made an appointment to go and see a school. Just to have a look. Just to start the process.

You see when I was a child you went to the nearest school. You didn’t have a choice. In fact I lived in a village and we really didn’t have a choice. You went to Balsall Primary or you went private, but that meant serious travelling. And no one really questioned that. The school was good. Hell I thought it was great, but the decision to go there was not really a decision at all. It just was. However today, even in a small town like Haslemere, there is a serious amount of choice, of both state and private schools. Add to that the possibility of specialist provision and I suddenly find myself on the end of what feels like an enormous decision. I know all parents today have more choice in primary schools than, for example, my parents did for me but the process of viewing and deliberating and worrying seems to come down to either what you can afford (if you plan to go private) or what you’re offered (if you’re not). Or am I over simplyfying? At the end of the day you can lust after a state school all you like, but if they don’t offer it to you, even after you appeal, you don’t get it. Your choice is taken into consideration, but really that’s all it is. A consideration.

When you have a child with Autism, the system is different. And I mean very different. We’ll park the weight of responsibility I feel to get this decision “right” for a minute and talk about the process. We have just started down the road towards possibly getting Oscar an EHCP or an Educational Health Care Plan, or what used to be called a Statement. This process in itself is mind boggling complicated and takes months and months of preparation, including assessments by Educational Psychologists and the involvement of many other agencies. The back and forth and back and forth again (and if the stories are to be believed, again and again…) should, if all goes well, result in a legally binding document that means as a parent I can send Oscar to ANY school I believe is best for him. It also means that school has to provide the support he is legally entitled to. I’ll have all sorts of advice, from various assessments and agencies, to listen to and the professionals tell you it’s important you heed the advice. But then experienced Autism parents tell you that, really no one knows your child like you do, so trust your instinct when it comes to choosing the school, mainstream or specialist. Panic rising again!

Anyway, back to the school I looked at. It was a mainstream school, out of my catchment area, but one that’s given me huge amounts of hope. Its also made me want to look at other mainstream schools to see if they are all this attuned to SEN needs or if this really is a stand out school. The head also gave me some really useful advice about dealing with the ‘county’ and what I should be doing right now in order to get his ducks in a row for next year. She didn’t sugar coat how difficult the next year might be in terms of bureaucracy, which I was actually incredibly grateful for.

So today, as per her encouragement, I made a raft of chasing calls and I kept a log of who I rang and what was said. I was dismayed to hear that he STILL hasn’t been assigned a speech and language therapist, despite being on the list for over a year and a promise six weeks ago that sessions would start in July, but not surprised. I had a good conversation with his Early Years Advisor and found out that his preschool notification has definitely been issued. That ball is well and truly rolling.

So I’m feeling slightly more focussed now. I need to make appointments to go a see other schools, including some specialist schools. At least we can’t afford private, so that narrows the field a tiny bit. Every cloud! Once I’ve looked around some more schools, I’m hoping it will mean I can listen to all the advice and trust my instinct. The panic has abated.

For now.

Sons, Sand & Sauvignon

Filed Under: Autism, Children, Family Tagged With: asc, asd, Autism, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Autistic, childhood, children, choice, Development, Education, EHCP, EYA, EYIA, Family, Haslemere, health, mainstream, Motherhood, mummy, parents, School, SEN, Special Educational Needs, Specialist, Toddler

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Oscar’s party was a roaring success. The cousins Oscar’s party was a roaring success. The cousins all came and played together like they were best of friends, the Minecraft themed food was devoured, the castle was bounced to within an inch of its life, the grown ups chatted and most of all the boy had the best day! And now I’m so exhausted I’m off to bed. Thank you to the family (and chosen family) who helped make it such a special day for our special little guy. #whenoscarturnedten #happybirthday #familypartiesarethebest
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It’s that time of year again when I lay all his It’s that time of year again when I lay all his presents out and say I’m ready for him to be another year older and then quip that I am NEVER ready for him to be another year older. But 10 man? I don’t know, it feels so… significant. Double digits, a decade, it somehow feels different from all the other birthdays. I can’t quite believe it tbh. Anyway as he’s having his birthday here (tomorrow) but his party in Plymouth next Saturday it has been decreed it’s his birthday all week. And what with the grand age he’s turning, I think that sounds perfectly appropriate.
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