Am I ready for T2 Trainspotting?

A friend of mine shared this this morning

She said it was for anyone who had the poster on their wall, obsessively played the soundtrack on their CD player and “lived and breathed this film”. And that was me. I loved the original Trainspotting. It was probably the first film with truly adult themes, that I found and made my own. And I think a lot of my generation felt the same. We were obsessed. At the beauty and the horror. Because after all, what’s more horrifying than real life?

But that was 20 years ago. A long time past. I haven’t watched, or even thought about Trainspotting in years. In fact I think the last time it even crossed my mind, was on hearing that Danny Boyle was directing the Opening Ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics. A fleeting “wasn’t he the guy that directed Trainspotting” moment and I moved on. Because Trainspotting and everything about it lived in the past. My past.

So I was really thrown, when I found they’d made a sequel. A real sequel, with the same cast, playing the same characters dealing with real 21st Century shit, the way the real people do. 20 years on in their lives. I can’t say I was happy or sad or excited or reviled. Thrown really was the best way to describe it. And that surprised me.

Part of me really, really wants to see this film. I watched the trailer and it really does look like it’ll break you and entertain you in equal measure, as much as the first ever did. But part of me really, really doesn’t. That part of me just wants to believe Renton got away and lived happily ever after. I know life doesn’t happen like that, we never truly get to out run our past, but that part of me, that 17 year old, 18 year old part of me, who was innocent and naive and hopeful, she still wants to believe we can break away and start again. This film meant so much to me at the time. It broke my heart and gave me hope. Hope in a time when things were bad in my own life. Not as bad as those depicted in the dirty streets of Glasgow I’ll grant you, but bad enough that I wanted to get away. Far away.

And I almost want to protect her naivety. Let her live in blissful ignorance. That the happy ending is all it was and all it takes. I want to shout at the filmmakers “You pulled me in with my suspension of disbelief long enough to care about these characters. To care that good stuff happened to them. So why are you now trying to show me that actually life happened to them? I don’t want to see Cinderella arguing with Prince Charming or having to take a crap with the door open because the kids are screaming at her. I can see that in real life ‘ta very much!”

Or maybe it’s this quote from Robert Carlyle

“I tell you, this film is going to be quite emotional for people. Because the film sort of tells you to think about yourself. You are going to be thinking: ‘Fuck. What have I done with my life?’”

Robert Carlyle, NME

And maybe I’m just too scared of what the answer might be.

 

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Make You Feel My Love

When I was pregnant I worked in a job I didn’t really enjoy all that much. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t really what I thought I’d end up doing. A lot of it was working with data, both written and digital, so for large parts of the day I would wear headphones and listen to music so I was able to concentrate and to block out the noise of the office. There are a couple of albums I can’t hear now without thinking of that time. The Glee soundtracks (1&2, despite never seeing a single episode of Glee!), Florence and the Machines: Ceremonials, Christina Perri: Lovestrong.

I’d get my music freak on, probably silently sing the words and look like a muppet but I didn’t care. It got me through the day. And believe me they were long days.

There was however, one artist I listened to more than any other. Remember we’re talking 2011/2012. Any guesses? A bun to anyone who said Adele! I adored both of her albums at the time, 19 and 21 and listened to them an inordinate amount. I don’t know what it touched in me but every song struck a chord somewhere. But none more so than the cover of the Bob Dylan track ‘Make You Feel My Love’.

I hadn’t listened to the album in a while, until I was listening to Hello on Spotify this weekend. I like it. Much more polished than before, but more powerful for it. Then I listened to a few old faves and remembered how much I loved them. Then ‘Make You Feel My Love’ came on and I cried and cried. Because it took me straight back and made me remember how scared I was throughout my pregnancy. I haven’t really spoken about this but I spent my entire pregnancy scared he wasn’t going to make it. That song was my plea to my unborn child. I would do anything, anything, if he would just choose me.

It was the line…

“I know you haven’t made your mind up yet”

…that got me the most. I spent nine months expecting him to change his mind. To make the decision not to join us. I was convinced I’d lose him and so I begged. Begged him to stay and sang to him every day. Promised that I would ‘go to the ends of the Earth for you’. When our days are hard, and it feels like his autism is taking over and and I’m not sure I can do this any more, I just need to listen to that track and remember. Remember, that I promised “you aint seen nothing like me yet”.

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I’ve known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,
I’d go crawling down the avenue.
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

Make you feel my Love

Bob Dylan 1997

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The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback
A Cornish Mum

Emotional Vs The Planner

Sometimes I’m a planner. I make lists and I agonise over stuff for days, I am careful and considered.

Then sometimes I’m impulsive. Rash and spontaneous, dealing with the fall out, whatever that may be, later. I move on instinct and am motivated by my emotions.

And sometimes the planner in me hates my emotional impulsive side. It hates that she doesn’t think these things through and gives her all the worst case scenarios after the fact. As if to say, “tut tut tut. I told you so – look what might happen, you silly girl”. And the emotional me gets sad and feels bad and stupid and thoroughly chastised.

But sometimes, just sometimes the emotional me triumphs. Whatever has been jumped on works, the gut feeling, the impulse was so right. It results in outcomes the planner would never have achieved. Those days the emotional impulsive side sticks her tongue out, blows raspberries at the planner and feels like a queen.

She also tells the planner it should listen to her more often, trust her, use her.

Cos sometimes she is bang on the money!