Greatest Loser

Hey guys

Sorry for not being around last week. I’m not really sure why I didn’t blog last week, I didn’t have a terrible weigh in or anything. In fact I maintained again. But, I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it. Like any of it. Not really sure why. I had a positive Friday and then the rest of the week seemed to descend into darkness. Negativity topped with a swirl of self destructive behaviour. Its not just that I didn’t count my sysns, I activity went out looking for syns. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like that, I can tell you. And to be honest I thought I was stronger than that now. Just goes to show huh? We’re all vulnerable, we’re all human. We all feel and we all have times when we do the ‘wrong’ thing. But then there is a school of thought that says you can’t do the wrong thing, that everything you do right now, is right. Even if it seems wrong, what have you taken from it, learnt from it? I also subscribe heavily to the idea of choice. That we all, always, have a choice. That no one makes you feel anything without your permission. I made the choice to let myself feel the way I did and eat the things I did and behave the way I did. No one else was in control. I could tell you how hard I’ve found looking after Oscar this week etc etc, but at the end of the day no one ate that bread for me. I chose to let myself fall sideways, the consequence of which was a 4lb gain and another lesson learnt.

C’est la vie.

Some days I wonder if it’s worth it, whether I can be bothered and what’s it all for. Some days, nearly two years on, I still have to fight with myself. Some days I get sick of trying, of thinking about food, of the energy it takes. Some days I don’t win. Then some days I do. Last week I got a new pair of jeans. You may remember I needed new jeans before Christmas but couldn’t find any I liked. I find it really hard to find jeans as I’m not a typical female shape. I’m relatively straight and narrow through the hip with a surprisingly small bum for my size! I carry most of my weight across my stomach, meaning I need a wider waist than hip (think ice cream cone!) so when I find a shape of jean that fits and flatters I am loyal to it for life. I was distraught when Next changed the material (and possibly the cut) of my favourite Relaxed Skinny jeans last year, however so were a lot of other women. I like to think the disgruntled customers were heeded as the composition of the material has changed again this season, with much more cotton making all the difference. I bought the size 14 I’ve been hankering after and blow me if they weren’t too big. Now I will point out at this stage in the proceedings that this is something to do with the cut of the jeans. The fact that I had to try, nay purchase, the size 12 bears no resemblance to my size in real life. Seriously. But they fit and I’m happy with that.

I also had something of a surprise in group this week. I was awarded Greatest Loser 2015 for the 7.30 group. On a week where I’d had such a gain I felt something of a fraud collecting it, but then that’s what this award is all about. It’s not about what happened today or even last week, it’s about a collective effort over many weeks and months. I didn’t feel I deserved it on the night (which is possibly why I look so pinch faced in the photo) and I worry about celebrating what I’ve achieved sometimes as I might start resting on my laurels too much and becoming complacent. It’s all stuff no one tells you about a long term weight loss journey I guess!

I’m sorry if I sound a bit miserable at the moment. It’s been a real pisser of a week for a million reasons, but the boy is back at preschool now, I’ve got a new week ahead of me and on Saturday I get to see my great friends and wonderful family as I leave my son and spend the night away, just being a grown up. I’ve just got a frock for the occasion too. I can’t wait to show it to you. But let’s just say it’s very flattering, very fitted and a size 16. Go me!

Hope all our weeks are good ones, including mine.

Here’s to putting ‘Fuck it February’ to bed and starting on ‘Make it Happen March’ xxx

Hiya

I’ve got a lot of things to say today, I just don’t know where to start. I guess I should start with a warning. I know (because people tell me – a lot) these posts about SW are almost exclusively positive, upbeat and full of joy. Today’s? Well it might not be quite so perky. Just saying.

So, I had a (what felt like, but I know it’s not really) massive gain of 1.5lb last night. I knew I’d had a bit of a sesh on Saturday and I wasn’t hopeful of any sort of loss, but seriously? 1.5lb gain? It really shocked me. So total lost now is 4 Stone 10.5lb. Taking me just that bit further away from my 5 Stone target.

And I’m a little downhearted if truth be told. And not just because I had a stupid little gain.

You see there’s this. You. My blog. So many people have told me how much my journey has inspired their own, or inspired them in another way. It’s incredibly humbling and I feel very honoured, but what if I’m not actually up to the task of being “an inspiration”? I’ve said all along I don’t want anyone to think my life, or weight loss journey, is easy or perfect cos its not. It’s really not. I struggle every day. Every. Day. With food choices, with ingrained behaviours, with self doubt, with knowing I’ve still got so very far to go. With finding that little something thats going to keep my head in the right space, keep me going forward. It’s fucking hard work. Sorry but it is.

And I’m scared. I’ve spoken before about weighing less now than I ever have in my adult life. And that is a fab achievement and feeling and all that, I absolutely agree. But you have to understand this is unchartered territory for me. I’ve never been here before (well I must have come through here at some point to get to where I was, but I swear I couldn’t tell you when) and I’m worried that actually I don’t know how to be here. To weigh so much less than I did. I actually had a visualisation of me running away from my old weight the other day. Like it’s an entity and I am actually being chased by it. It’s clear that something has not been put to rest. Does anyone know how I’m supposed to kill this thing dead? If it’s always chasing me will it ever matter how much I lose? Like I said, hard work.

So yeah, this is all going on in my head. The same head that’s also focusing on raising a son (he’s nearly two and still not talking – what am I doing wrong/what could I be doing to help) and trying to earn some money and writing and dealing with a possible stomach ulcer. It’s called life. Unfortunately you can’t just check out of “life”when you’ve got an issue to deal with. Be nice if you could 😉 . It all has to come along for the ride. Hence the cheeky sesh round at the neighbours on Saturday, hence a little gain.

I’m sorry for the downer today – although I did try and warn you. If you do come here looking for a positive read, then maybe this might help. After all I’ve just said, I did actually win an award last night. I won The Greatest Loser 2014 for my group. Slimming World run their year March to March and as such each group gives the member that has lost the most weight in that time a Greatest Loser award. When Zoe told me I’d won a few days ago I was stumped – I had no idea this was even a thing. But yep it really is and 4 stone 12lb (going on last weeks weight) is the most any member of my group had lost since last March. I got a certificate, a sticker for my book and a sash. Check me out:

It was a great recognition of all that very hard work I’ve just described and for that I am grateful. One swallow doesn’t make a summer or in this case one small gain doesn’t make a failure.

As a friend once told me; Lisa, it’ll be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, then honey, it’s not the end.

And this is not the end!

Big loves

xxx

Greatest Loser

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