Sometimes I get jealous. I look at the world and I see the mothers with one, two, three, Jesus, seven children without a disability or a condition between them and I am jealous. I ache when I think of the injustice. It’s not fair. I only want, only ever wanted one child. One little dude to have adventures with, to sing songs and do silly things and run in parks and teach and be told stories by and play imagination games and dress up with and…. the list goes on.

Sometimes I am so angry that this is my life. That this is the path I have not chosen yet it’s the one I’m walking. How is that fair? When I look at the beautiful families and their myriad of children who will never be given labels, who will never be the odd ones out, who will never know what it is to go through life born into a world that just doesn’t get them. These children will just be ‘got’ and it makes me weep.

Just one. Was it too much to ask? One perfect child. One who doesn’t scream at any given thing, one who can understand spoken instructions, one who has a sense of when to stop, one I don’t have to teach each and every god damn thing with pictures and laminate and Velcro and all the hidden worry because God forbid I should cry in front of him. Even though I sometimes do, and then I instantly regret it for the fury it evokes in him.

It’s just not fair.


Then something happens to redress my perception of fair. Of what is cruel in this life.

Or death.

And I ache a little less and I rage a little less. I did not want this life. But I have life. I have the child I longed for, despite his differences to me. I am here. He is here.

I asked ‘why me’? Now I ask ” Why her”?

It seems injustice stalks all our beings, and does not discriminate.

Not fair.

(c) thedarkinfinity

A breath of sadness

NB: Sorry for the deep and potentially upsetting nature of this post, but when something touches me, no matter how lightly, this is where I come to work it out.


Life. Its short right. We get that. Or do we? It’s here and then, some time or another, it’s gone. We don’t know when. We none of us know how long we’ve got. To live. To love.

From a young age I’ve been firm of the opinion that there is no going before your time. That the concept is a misnomer, because if you go, then it is your time. I’ve never been afraid of leaving the party early, as I was so sure that there was no such thing.

Since becoming a mother it’s harder to be so sure of my once strongly held beliefs. Motherhood challenges everything about you, both physically and cerebrally. It makes you question your very core. And that’s wonderful. It takes you to places you’d never go otherwise (and I’m not just talking about soft play or gymboree classes). It makes you look at everything you ever thought was good and true in a different way, from a different angle and ask again, is this right?

Is it right that so many of my friends (and not, I am thankful beyond measure, me) have gone through the pain of miscarriage? Can a 10 week old baby, who passes due to no discernible cause, be leaving because it is their time? Really? Suddenly the bravado of my youth seems crass and naive. Suddenly I feel like I am being pulled up by the headmaster and asked to answer the question again. I feel shamed.

These are the darker sides of parenthood that are only whispered about, skipped over and hoped, for everything that your worth, you never have to experience. No mother, or father, should be the one to bury their child. ‘Should’ is a funny word though. It has a habit of contradicting itself, because parents do have to bury their children. Every day. The pain is real, for so many and I can’t begin to image that this is how it’s meant to be. That this is right.

In order to carry on, to make the most of the time we do have, I find it easier to push these thoughts away. It’s easier not to consider these questions too much. Because if I did, the sadness would fill up my very being and stop me in my tracks. Like it did last Thursday.

So here’s to all the parents who have loved and lost. I’m so so sorry for your loss.

But I’m so so grateful it’s not my own.