lyrics

It’s not often a friend comes along that just gets it. Be that you, or the situation or whatever, they’re just right on the money every time. And you know they’d have your back, whatever the cost. Which is nice.

It’s my birthday this Saturday. I’m turning the grand old age of 37 (37! boohoo 🙁 ), but to be honest I feel like the past few months have aged me so much more. But it doesn’t matter how hard or weird or confusing or miserable my life has been this year, Bethany has been there. And it means a lot.

So anyway, today, as an early birthday treat and while the children were in preschool, she took me for pancakes and coffee. And she bought along my gift. We’re off for a night of drinkin’ and bitchin’ on Saturday night, so she wanted me to have my present today, so I didn’t have to carry it round with me on Saturday.

First off it was beautifully wrapped. And who doesn’t love gorgeous wrapping?

Then I opened it. And burst into tears.

In fact I bawled. In public. If you’re not sure why, you should read this post

Then I turned it over. And bawled some more.

But she didn’t get embarrassed at my outburst. She cried with me.

Cos she’s got my back.

She’s going back to work full time in January and I’m going to miss her so much. It can’t help but change things. But I couldn’t be more proud of her for taking this massive step.

Because she inspires me too.

Thank you for my beautiful present Bethany. See you on Saturday! And I promise not to cry again.

Much 😉

When I was pregnant I worked in a job I didn’t really enjoy all that much. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t really what I thought I’d end up doing. A lot of it was working with data, both written and digital, so for large parts of the day I would wear headphones and listen to music so I was able to concentrate and to block out the noise of the office. There are a couple of albums I can’t hear now without thinking of that time. The Glee soundtracks (1&2, despite never seeing a single episode of Glee!), Florence and the Machines: Ceremonials, Christina Perri: Lovestrong.

I’d get my music freak on, probably silently sing the words and look like a muppet but I didn’t care. It got me through the day. And believe me they were long days.

There was however, one artist I listened to more than any other. Remember we’re talking 2011/2012. Any guesses? A bun to anyone who said Adele! I adored both of her albums at the time, 19 and 21 and listened to them an inordinate amount. I don’t know what it touched in me but every song struck a chord somewhere. But none more so than the cover of the Bob Dylan track ‘Make You Feel My Love’.

I hadn’t listened to the album in a while, until I was listening to Hello on Spotify this weekend. I like it. Much more polished than before, but more powerful for it. Then I listened to a few old faves and remembered how much I loved them. Then ‘Make You Feel My Love’ came on and I cried and cried. Because it took me straight back and made me remember how scared I was throughout my pregnancy. I haven’t really spoken about this but I spent my entire pregnancy scared he wasn’t going to make it. That song was my plea to my unborn child. I would do anything, anything, if he would just choose me.

It was the line…

“I know you haven’t made your mind up yet”

…that got me the most. I spent nine months expecting him to change his mind. To make the decision not to join us. I was convinced I’d lose him and so I begged. Begged him to stay and sang to him every day. Promised that I would ‘go to the ends of the Earth for you’. When our days are hard, and it feels like his autism is taking over and and I’m not sure I can do this any more, I just need to listen to that track and remember. Remember, that I promised “you aint seen nothing like me yet”.

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I’ve known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,
I’d go crawling down the avenue.
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

Make you feel my Love

Bob Dylan 1997

IMG_3387 (2)