Sorry for not being around last week. I’m not really sure why I didn’t blog last week, I didn’t have a terrible weigh in or anything. In fact I maintained again. But, I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it. Like any of it. Not really sure why. I had a positive Friday and then the rest of the week seemed to descend into darkness. Negativity topped with a swirl of self destructive behaviour. Its not just that I didn’t count my sysns, I activity went out looking for syns. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like that, I can tell you. And to be honest I thought I was stronger than that now. Just goes to show huh? We’re all vulnerable, we’re all human. We all feel and we all have times when we do the ‘wrong’ thing. But then there is a school of thought that says you can’t do the wrong thing, that everything you do right now, is right. Even if it seems wrong, what have you taken from it, learnt from it? I also subscribe heavily to the idea of choice. That we all, always, have a choice. That no one makes you feel anything without your permission. I made the choice to let myself feel the way I did and eat the things I did and behave the way I did. No one else was in control. I could tell you how hard I’ve found looking after Oscar this week etc etc, but at the end of the day no one ate that bread for me. I chose to let myself fall sideways, the consequence of which was a 4lb gain and another lesson learnt.

C’est la vie.

Some days I wonder if it’s worth it, whether I can be bothered and what’s it all for. Some days, nearly two years on, I still have to fight with myself. Some days I get sick of trying, of thinking about food, of the energy it takes. Some days I don’t win. Then some days I do. Last week I got a new pair of jeans. You may remember I needed new jeans before Christmas but couldn’t find any I liked. I find it really hard to find jeans as I’m not a typical female shape. I’m relatively straight and narrow through the hip with a surprisingly small bum for my size! I carry most of my weight across my stomach, meaning I need a wider waist than hip (think ice cream cone!) so when I find a shape of jean that fits and flatters I am loyal to it for life. I was distraught when Next changed the material (and possibly the cut) of my favourite Relaxed Skinny jeans last year, however so were a lot of other women. I like to think the disgruntled customers were heeded as the composition of the material has changed again this season, with much more cotton making all the difference. I bought the size 14 I’ve been hankering after and blow me if they weren’t too big. Now I will point out at this stage in the proceedings that this is something to do with the cut of the jeans. The fact that I had to try, nay purchase, the size 12 bears no resemblance to my size in real life. Seriously. But they fit and I’m happy with that.

I also had something of a surprise in group this week. I was awarded Greatest Loser 2015 for the 7.30 group. On a week where I’d had such a gain I felt something of a fraud collecting it, but then that’s what this award is all about. It’s not about what happened today or even last week, it’s about a collective effort over many weeks and months. I didn’t feel I deserved it on the night (which is possibly why I look so pinch faced in the photo) and I worry about celebrating what I’ve achieved sometimes as I might start resting on my laurels too much and becoming complacent. It’s all stuff no one tells you about a long term weight loss journey I guess!

I’m sorry if I sound a bit miserable at the moment. It’s been a real pisser of a week for a million reasons, but the boy is back at preschool now, I’ve got a new week ahead of me and on Saturday I get to see my great friends and wonderful family as I leave my son and spend the night away, just being a grown up. I’ve just got a frock for the occasion too. I can’t wait to show it to you. But let’s just say it’s very flattering, very fitted and a size 16. Go me!

Hope all our weeks are good ones, including mine.

Here’s to putting ‘Fuck it February’ to bed and starting on ‘Make it Happen March’ xxx

Dressing for Best

27/01/2015 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

Over the Christmas holidays Oscar has shot up. And I mean SHOT up. The trousers that fitted at the end of November are suddenly two inches too short and all his adjustable waists have had to be taken out. He’s grown like a weed and right in the middle of a season too. How rude 😉 . It’s too cold for spring clothes, but is it worth buying winter wear that may only last him a short time? It’s the constant malign of parents across the land and the reason my poor child constantly lives in second hand gear!

It’s rare that he grows and the seasons change in sync, however last Autumn he did. He suddenly needed bigger clothes overnight, and it was early enough in the season to make a few new pieces worth it. I got him some jeans, a couple of tops and a gorgeous sweater from Next. This one in fact.

Super Star boys sweater Next Autumn 2014

I love it so much, the colour makes his eyes seem so very blue and anyone who knows me will know stars are just my thing (I don’t know if it signifies anything but I’ve been drawn to the star shape all my adult life. I even got a star tattoo when I was 18) Anyway the point is I love this top. And I realised the other day he almost never wears it. It’s not because the weather’s not been right, or because it doesn’t fit well, it’s because it’s new (to him) and therefore kept for “best”.

But when is best? And how often is best really needed? And more to the point, how often will best come around before he ups and grows out of it? I realised I had to ask myself a question. What was I actually worried about? What would bother me more, him wearing this gorgeous jumper in ‘boring’, every day situations and it potentially getting dirty and worn, or him only wearing it a handful of times before it’s too small and can’t be worn at all? Seriously. Why buy it at all, if he’s going to get no moneys worth out of it? It’s clearly not a formal item, the kind you might keep for very special occasions such as weddings etc. Its an everyday item and was surely bought to be worn. I’m not sure where this attitude has come from. but with the speed at which he’s growing, it’s surely not one worth having?

I read an article recently written by Tim Wotton, a man with Cystic Fibrosis, who has outlived doctors expectations. He leads a full and active life, and is married with a son, despite (or maybe because of) the age expectancy of someone living with CF. It’s a great article and I urge you to read it. Tim has also written a book I’d love to read. But something he said in the article stuck with me.

I dress each day like it’s my last day on Earth, and never leave my favourite clothes in the wardrobe waiting for that special moment.

He’s so right. We never know what tomorrow holds. So even if it’s just the last day a sweater fits, I’ve decided I want to make the most of it. I’d rather see Oscar in clothes I love, at any time, than wait for a moment that never comes. So today I dressed him in his ‘best’ pair of jeans (and one of the only ones that fit properly) and let him go in the garden. They were muddy within minutes and we were off visiting this afternoon. Sigh. But so what? He’s a little boy. And he’s wearing some damn fine threads.

Actually, I think I’m going to do the same. Wedding dress party anyone?

Slimming World Update – Week 71

27/11/2014 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

Hi you!

Despite being able to say ‘bye bye, see you soon’ for a while now Oscar has only just started to say Hello, and this is how he says it. It’s the cutest thing!

So how’s your week been? Mine been good, properly cold, but good none the less. I explained last week that I was making a gamey take on Chilli, using (free and speed food) Venison for dinner with friends on Friday. And I did. Only I think the Venison was off! It was fresh when purchased, but I froze it. I then think I defrosted it (i.e. left it out of the fridge) for too long. It smelt really odd raw, and smelt worse as it cooked! It also tasted of kidneys – you know, slightly pissy! I was gutted. I mean I’d definitely try it again, only I think I’d buy the meat closer to making the dish. Anyway, rather than poison our guests we wrote the whole thing off and because we had neither the time or the ingredients to prepare anything else, got take out. It wasn’t how I planned the evening to go, but as I’d been being careful with my syns (with the wine I knew would be drunk on Friday in mind) I decided not to worry about it too much. So Friday was one of those nights where suddenly everything is ‘off plan’. Food, wine, even a few chocolates. And boy did we all enjoy it. Nearly as much as Sarah and I enjoyed beating the boys at Cranium. Games Nights are so the way ahead for a fun night in! I highly recommend it.

So any who I wasn’t hopeful in ANY way for last night’s weigh in, but was bowled sideways to see I’d lost 0.5lb taking me back to 6 Stone 7lb. Who knew!

I spoke last week about the jeans situation and after writing about it decided to take the plunge and order the next size down. I got the size 14 (eek!) in the Next Relaxed Skinny Jeans that I’ve been wearing since the 18 started to fit me last year. I love these jeans and have had both the 18 and the 16. They suit my shape so well and despite having some stretch retain their jeansyness (real word) Or they did. Because I received them last Friday and immediately realised Next have changed the material. A quick check on the composition shows the new pair had less cotton in them and felt more like jeggings. And they looked awful! Way too big. Now you think I’d be pleased that a 14 was too big, but I wasn’t. I was gutted. I don’t know about you ladies (you may feel this too chaps!) but it takes me a good while to find a pair of jeans I like and when I do I wear them forever! It’s so good to be able to pick up a new pair whenever you need them, knowing they’ll fit. So yeah I was gutted. Anyway I took them back to Next and while we were there I tried on several different pairs. All in a 14. And do you know, all but one pair fitted! Size 14 jeans fitted me! Sorry, can I just take a moment here:

SIZE 14 JEANS FIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ridiculous turn-ups, but bloody hell, the size 14 fit!

No hoofage to be seen! — My thighs! Seriously? Yes seriously?

Right. So yeah several pairs fitted, but none were perfect. One had enormous turn-ups I didn’t like and one had no pockets (not practical I keep all sorts in my pockets at all times including my phone). Ahh well it would seem the search goes on. With the changes that have taken place to my shape recently, I think I need a day in town, sans child, to try some on. Hmm.

And as I mentioned last week, those changes have recently been thanks to the Core Stability classes I’m doing with Fit for Life Mums. And look what I got last night:

Proving to myself that the relatively small changes I’m seeing on the scales, sometimes mean nothing to a change in shape. And outlook. I love my classes and it’s giving me the nudge to think about doing more exercise. Yeah I know. Me! I’ll let you know!

So for the coming week, we have no parties or such challenges. So I’m going to give a real serious push towards 7 Stone (Tish – can I borrow the food diary for the week you lost 8.5lb please? 😉 ). I have 4 more weigh ins (last one being on 23rd, not 17th as I originally thought) before Christmas. Come on Mrs S. You can DO this.

Have a great week entering the Christmas month with head held high and resolve held firm.

xxxxx

Slimming World Update – Week 58

29/08/2014 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

Hi guys

I’m so sorry this update is late. I had a bit of a crazy day today. If you follow my blog, you might recall my toddler son has delayed speech. Anyway, as a precaution we took him today to get his hearing tested. Man that was stressful! The first part of the test he did brilliantly well, in fact I was astounded at how quickly he picked up what they wanted him to do. It was the second part, where they had to place a probe in his ear to check for signs of blockages and glue ear that he really really hated. It was worse than getting his hair cut! Anyway luckily he passed all tests with flying colours. He can hear just fine, all frequencies and all volumes. He still has delayed speech and there may be a hundred and one reasons for that, but at least we know lack of hearing is not one of them.

So anyway on to last night’s weigh in. Do you know I had a really funny (as in peculiar, not haha) day yesterday. I had some really interesting conversations with a friend, which left me incredibly pensive, with lots to think about and not in the mood for group at all. I went along anyway, weighed in and found I’d lost 0.5lb (it’s a loss I guess), taking me back up to 6 Stone lost. I sat down to stay, but was hit with an overwhelming urge to leave. So I did. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by, well I don’t know really, everything? And I walked over the Co-Op, hell bent on acquiring my drug of choice – sugar, in the form of cookies. I walked straight in, picked up the cookies and slowly walked back towards the checkout. I then thought I’d just have a wander round, all the time planning how I was going to eat the cookies and how they were going to taste. But the more I walked round, the more the overwhelmed feeling subsided. I spent 15 minutes just wandering round, before I decided to leave the cookies and go home. I left the Co-op empty handed and walked back up to the crossing. And it was then I realised I had a choice. I could carry on home and feel defeated or cross over, back to group, and chose to not feel beaten. I arrived back in group, to people pleased to see me. I’m so glad I made the choice I did.

And I guess that’s what this journey, heck what life, comes down to. We have choices to make every day. Some are small and seemingly insignificant, others mahoosive and life changing, but we all have choice. Even if it’s between a rock and a hard place, it’s a choice and it’s ours to take. And I think last night also showed me the benefit of time. Taking that tiny bit of time to allow impulses to be questioned. I could happily have shoved all five cookies down my neck at minute 0, but by minute 15 I was back in control. Taking time and listening to your instinct and not your impulse are definitely my recommendations for the week – give them a try 😉

Anyway – deep and heavy stuff over! I’ll finish on a positive note – yup I’ve been spending again! Another totally positive purchase. One of my goals for this coming year was a to get a new coat, as my old ones were both old and MASSIVE on me now. I had already decided that as I don’t go into work I didn’t need a ‘smart’ coat any more so was looking for something more jackety. But not too boring and nothing shapeless! I have a waist now for goodness sake! I saw a picture of a biker/moto jacket on Twitter a few weeks ago and my heart was sold. I ummed and ahhed over whether to go for it. I could only afford pleather, would it look rubbish, would I look to mutton dressed as lamb, was it a good use of money, blah, blah, blah. And after all that had quietened I just went with my heart! And I’m so glad I did! It’s this one from Next and a size 18 (to allow for jumper room in the colder months) making it 3 sizes smaller than my old black wool coat and 4 sizes smaller than this grey one.

It’s so different to anything I’ve ever owned and I just adore it. Thank you to everyone who has given me compliments on it. I’ll get you a full size photo soon – promise 😉

670-154-G92s2 — Black Quilted PU Biker Jacket – Next

Have a great week, taking time and recognising the choices you have.

xxxx

Til you drop (a dress size)!

25/11/2013 by MrsSavageAngel Leave a Comment

I know this is normally the time I write about mummy type things, but the most exciting thing happened to me this week, it had nothing to do with being a parent and I just can’t not write about it.

I don’t want to generalise, but guys you might want to switch off now, because hey, I’m gonna talk about shopping. And in particular shopping for clothes. Whether your opinion is “arrrggghh, shopping” or “mmmm, shopping” at some time or other we all have to buy new (whether they are new to us or not) clothes. For me, it’s been a while.

I’ve had a rocky relationship with clothes shopping for many years. I love it, I really do, but sometimes it just doesn’t love me back. Having been a plus size for most of my adult life, I have come to know which stores cater for me and which don’t. I know which town centres are worth me going to and which are not. Basingstoke stores carry plus sizes, Guildford stores do not. Partly due to my location and party due to lack of funds I have withdrawn further and further away from the high street. The little I have bought in the last few years has been online, either through eBay (a great source for buying plus size clothes cheaply), or from the websites of plus size retailers such as Evans, Simply Be and the Inspire range at New Look. I’ve become used to buying what fits, rather than what I necessarily like. It stopped bothering me that my clothes shopping was this restrictive.

I know I found myself in this situation because of the choices I made. Through the decisions I took. No one else gained and held on to that weight for me. Believe me this is not a post berating the lack of plus size retailers, or critising the high street for not catering for me. Sure I would have loved the only plus size retailer in Guildford (Evans) not to close the week I moved to the area but this is not about then. This is about now.

As some of you may know, I recently took stock and changed my lifestyle, attending Slimming World and losing just over 3 stone so far. Others of you may know that I just inherited a little money. Some of you may also know that my birthday’s coming up 😉 . So last Saturday all these things conspired together and I found myself with a fitting appointment at the Guildford branch of Rigby & Peller – corsetiere to the Queen. There are certain garments no lady can be without and mine have seriously needed replacing for some time. And if you really know me you know this is not good. Not good AT ALL!

I wont linger(e ;)) on my purchases, needless to say there were two of them (one was a birthday present from Ben) and that I am much more supported than I was. I blooming love them!

So anyway, all fired up by such a positive experience, I decided to try hitting the high street. Just to see, you know? I have no idea what size I am anymore. Maybe I could try on some “normal” sizes. Just to see.

I went to M&S. A good staple for basics I always find. But when I got there the weirdest thing happened. I couldn’t even begin to look at the clothes. I walked straight past the things I wanted to look at. I wandered around. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I ended up buying wrapping paper and cards! What the…..! I gave myself a talking to and went up stairs (up the stairs!) to look at the nightwear. I found myself going straight for the children’s section! Its been so long since I shopped in a store for myself, I honestly think I’d forgotten how to!

I came out of M&S with my paper, cards and a five pack of pants (same old style just one size smaller) and sat down on a bench. I was all a drift and felt slightly odd. I ate my Special K crisps in something of a daze. What had just happened? Was I really this bad at shopping? It was almost as if I wasn’t allowing myself to shop. I spent so long turning my face away from the disappointment of finding nothing to fit, that I was finding it really hard to turn it back. What could I do? I saw that I had two choices; slink away and feel confused and sorry for myself or straighten up, hold my head high and just get on with it.

So, I headed over to Gap, a store I haven’t shopped in since I was in my early 20s. I scanned the rails, and checked myself for feeling “in the way”. Then I picked up a lovely silver jumper. I took it to the fitting rooms and it fitted. I cried and cried (quietly to myself). I was so proud.

It didn’t really suit me, so I didn’t buy it. That felt even better – I had the choice not to buy it just because it fitted. I had options.

I felt a door had opened and I spent the rest of the day running round this new world. The changing room attendant in Next commented on the amount of stuff I had to try on. I just smiled. I didn’t stop smiling. I didn’t buy heaps, a couple of long sleeve t-shirts in Next and one in Gap, some socks, some make up, you know “normal” stuff. I smiled at everyone that day.

It was getting late and I was just about to head to the station, when I saw Monsoon over the road. I needed a dress for Ben’s Christmas Party and had seen some lovely ones on the Monsoon website. Again, not a shop I’ve considered in years. I only went in to see if they had this one frock, so I could look at it up close. They did and buoyed by the days successes I took it into the fitting rooms. I couldn’t quite do it up all the way on my own and didn’t want to force the zip in case I bust it. How embarrassing would that be?! An assistant came in to help me and I heard the zip slide smoothly up. It wasn’t tight in the slightest. I looked back at myself in the mirror. The dress had a real Mad Men vibe. I just knew Nanna would be thrilled to see me looking so elegant so I decided there and then to use her money wisely and to get it. I didn’t say anything, just smiled. As the assistant upzipped me she said “Well done”. Weirdest thing to say I know, but she was totally on the money. I left feeling like I’d won.

I’ve still got far to go but I feel like a really significant corner has been turned. in my mind as well as physically. Maybe clothes shopping and I might be getting on a little better from now on?

I can’t wait to find out!